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When We Are Broken

Is it that once you have lost a spouse, death of any kind seems a thousand times worst, if that is possible?

I am sitting here, heavy hearted, trying to make sense of my mixed emotions. The more I think about it, the question of the death of a loved one, and how much its hurting me, I realize that it’s because one of my support system, a pillar that has been helping cope with my life, helping me to stay upright, was gone.

My grandmother died and my world feels tilted. At times when I felt alone, that was the one person that I could go to, not even to talk to, just to be there with her and my world will be filled with peace again.

I know that God is there, but truth be told, as old as I am, at times I needed my mama to make me feel that it will be ok again. She was the first person I asked to see after my husband died.

How do we balance faith in God and the desire for that human love? God created us with the need to interact and be encircled by our own kind. So are we faithless if we crave that interaction sometimes?

Death has become even more real to me in the past two years. With the pandemic waging war on the world, death has claimed the young and the old, man, woman, boy, girl. Grief has become a common denominator in almost all the families that we know, even my own.

For quite some time now, I have stopped listening to the news; living alone, and having to digest bad news on a daily basis had me literally bordering on depression. Having lost loved ones, every death seems to have become personal. I feel their grief, comingled with my own, over and over again. I pray for them that they find comfort in God because on the flip side they can become very angry and bitter. Especially if it was someone young that had died, or a sudden death.

What do we do when we are broken, when life pulls us under over and over again? This is not being super spiritual, I have tried other things and they have failed. My only saving grace, has been holding on to a constant God, remembering who He is and trusting Him to rescue me from the waves of life again.

By Lorraine Anthony-Bynoe

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