How do I begin to pick up the pieces, my spouse have died after twenty six years of being together.
How do I continue? Can I go on?
In the beginning, when grief and disbelief were the most prominent feelings, there seemed to be no answers forthcoming. The pieces of a broken life, broken dreams and unfilled expectations were scattered all around me.
Life had resumed for family and friends but my life had come to an abrupt stop. I knew what I had to do, I had to keep moving, keep living and I had to hold it together for my children. I’ve always been the strong one, the “go to” person, the one who always finds a way. How to do that, was the answer that eluded me.
The luxury of time was not afforded to me because the bills that we shared responsibility for kept coming, my son had his studies to complete, I was still expected to go to work and fulfil all that I had to do at the standard that I was accustomed to, and the standard was high because I believe that that was what God required of me as His child.
God was there, I knew that, He would help, I knew that, He was there before, I knew that, He did what he promised throughout my husband’s sickness, I knew that. So why was everything so shattered?
Firstly, I was weary, emotionally, physically and spiritually. I had to recognise that and do what it took to regain my strength. I admitted that to God and I asked him to give me His strength and the will to continue to live.
Secondly, I was angry, my husband left so many things unfinished, even our relationship. I couldn’t begin to put the pieces back together until I was honest about how I felt about him dying and leaving things unfinished, leaving me, our lives unfinished. It took me about a year after he died to admit my anger at him. I sat down and wrote how I felt, I wrote about my anger and disappointment in him for how he dealt with his sickness and how he didn’t do anything to make good memories during his years of illness. I cried and I prayed and then I put the book away.
Thirdly, I acknowledged and embraced my will to live and to be happy. Only then, piece by piece was I able to put the things that were fragmented in my life back together all the while depending on God to be the glue.
How do I begin to pick up the pieces? By acknowledging my weaknesses, dealing with my negative emotions and by being determined to live and be happy. I needed to heal and by the grace of God I did.
By Lorraine Anthony-Bynoe
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