The years go by so quickly since my husband’s death. The grief is just a fading memory and the thoughts I choose to penetrate my mind every now and then, are the good ones. The dancing, the cheesy jokes; the moral support he gave me, no matter how far-fetched my dreams were.
I have moved on and made room for someone new, but there are no suitable applicants. Note that I did not say, “No applicants”, of that, there are many. Because I am chosen, called of God, my choice must be God’s choice. Even though I may see some of the values that I want in a man, am yet to find the fundamentals that will be fitting for me as a child of God.
Don’t get me wrong, I came out of the box quite a while now, I am realistic. This is not a fairy tale, no body’s perfect, but a man with a genuine love for God and an ongoing relationship with Him is essential. A man who values and respect a woman is also an essential factor. A man who can recognize his imperfections, admit them and go to God for help is also essential.
Being over six feet, I have forgone wanting a man taller than I am. I have forgone the six pack, within reason and colour, and hair texture, have never been an issue. I want laughter, willing to help with the cooking and cleaning is an asset (laughing).
But even with the many compromises, I find myself alone for almost five years now. Why? I know that my purpose is to be a vessel for God to use. A husband who lacks a true relationship with God would not understand my passion, my focus and sometimes, my desire for solitude.
I know my worth and though the struggle is real, especially with the impending holidays, I am at age where I have to get it right or don’t accept it at all.
So, I wait, I try to stay focus on my calling and I make myself happy.